Growing
by j'adorejasper1
Summary: After returning to Forks together from Italy, Bella confronts Edward for trying to kill himself and for leaving her. If their relationship is to survive, somethings got to give. Set at the end of new moon.


A/N- this is set after Edward goes to see Volturi. I do not own twilight. This is my first ever fanfic so any reviews/criticism would be greatly appreciated . hope you enjoy it!

Sitting on the plane I had been swept away by my reunion with Edward. Finally being able to hear his voice and it not just being a hallucination. Being able to smell his unique scent as he protectively held me close to him in the Volturi's lair. Seeing his tall, strong body, his face again. My breath had hitched, and I felt a strange warm feeling spreading out through my body from my stomach. Very similar to what I felt after I had a couple of glasses of wine at Renee and Phil's wedding. He mesmerised me and I all knew was the fear of losing him. That we would get to back to Forks and somehow I would have to endure him leaving. Again. The fear combined with the after shock of the murders we had witnessed topped off with the hypnotising effect of Edward's presence had left me unable to think in any clear way.

But then we arrived and stepped out of the air port. It was just Edward and I. Alice was still waiting for all the bags of shopping to come through the baggage department. After all the stress of the last few days she had been in desperate need of some retail therapy, so when our plane from Italy was delayed an hour we let her loose in the duty free. The fresh cool air swept over my face and cleared my mind. Looking up at Edward I suddenly realised I was angry. Not just angry, furious. Tears started to burn at the back of my eyes threatening to burst out and embarrass me into a blubbering mess. I channelled the force behind them into my voice.

" Why did you do that! How could you, how dare you! What about Esme?! What about Carlisle and Alice? Did you even think about how much you would of hurt them? Or did you only think of yourself. What a selfish, dumb, cowardly thing to do! Trying to get yourself killed… UGH!! " The intensity of my frustration and anger was so blinding I couldn't think, could no longer express it in words.

He looked at me with his eyebrows pulled together. His eyes were fierce with concentration as he stared at me bewildered. He looked like a tourist that's just arrived in another country to find someone hurling abuse at them in a foreign language, seemingly for no other reason than tying their shoe laces. Then he blinked and a deep sadness came over his face. He breathed deeply once, then straightened up, his face unreadable.

"You are my life Bella, I thought you were gone, the pain was too much" he said it with no emotion. Like he was repeating the weather forecast.

Suddenly for the first time, he really did look like the living dead. I searched his face and realised it was his eyes. They had lost… something.

"Edward, how can you have lived for so long and still think that way? You have been given front row seats to the impermanence of this life! You have seen people come and go more often than you've seen the sun rise. You hear people thoughts, whenever somebody around you grieves you hear it, whenever somebody loves, hurts, or finds happiness you feel it like your own. Every day, people experience loss, it is a part of life and it hurts, but we don't go around committing suicide because of it, do we!?

Still lifeless, his eyes looked into mine and as he replied " Mignon McLaughlin said _in the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing'_

All of a sudden the implications of his words started to sink in, I was his world, he loves me! Has he changed his mind? Maybe he does want me. I wasn't going to let my hope show yet though.

Scoffing I said with a little sneer, "you know Edward, you sure have a strange way of treating _'your world'". _I put some extra venom into the last few words to let him know how deeply he had hurt me when he left. But I couldn't keep up the façade anymore. "if you changed your mind, if I really mean that much to you, why didn't you come back to me?" it came out in a weak, sad, little girl's voice. I was annoyed with myself but the feelings of hurt and abandonment had suddenly come rushing back and squashed all the anger out of me. I was not mad, I felt small and I wanted to run away before he found a way to crush me again.

I started to turn, but then I felt his strong hand on my shoulder stopping me. Edward took a step so that we were face to face again. His eyes were alive again, but only because they were filled with pain and sadness. "Bella I'm so sorry. I will never forgive myself for hurting you, but I believed I was doing what was best for you… in the long run. Being around me was, is too dangerous for you. You're lucky you're still alive, first I nearly kill you, then James then Jasper. I wanted you to forget me, to meet a nice human boy and have a family. Someone you can grow old with."

"it's a shame you didn't read Mignon earlier then, or you would of known two minus one is nothing. Don't you understand that whether we're together or not, I could still die today, tomorrow, next week. The only difference is with you, I will have died happy" I gulped, knowing how much I was re-opening my wound. Then, under my breath I whispered "nothing that James did hurt me even half as much as you did". Then the tears came pouring out, finally let loose in a torrent of emotion.

I took a few deep breaths and tried control my shuddering voice and throat. They were still trying to convulse into sobs. I half pulled myself together, there was something I still wanted to say. "Edward, I see now. I didn't before but I do now. Our relationship, it will never survive like this. You… you've got to let go of whatever is holding you back. I'm not really sure what it is Edward but you've got to make peace with your life. You think you are a monster, you see no value in your life except for that I'm in it. It's ridiculous Edward. Look at Carlisle, he _uses_ his abilities to make this world a better place. Have you ever thought of how you could? I am just an ordinary girl, I long for happiness and fear suffering just like every single other person on this earth. We have to accept that the only thing we know for certain is that we will die, and that we don't know when. We accept that and then we try to make the most of however much time we have left. Compared to yours a human life is as temporary as a water bubble. What is the significance of a such a tiny powerless life? Our lives matter when we take the little time we're given as a gift, an opportunity to bring a little peace or happiness to even one person for a little while. Even if that is all I do in my life Edward, the world will have been a better place because of me.

Edward didn't looked convinced. I was not even sure if he was listening, he looked far away. I decided to try one more time. Surely, my first great love deserved that at least before I walked away from him.

"Edward, you need to the same thing. You can't give up just because you fear you're damned. It was not your choice to become a vampire and we can only be judged by our choices. Back in school you didn't think you were a superhero, you thought you were a one of the 'bad guys'. Well guess what, both bad guys and superheros have great powers, the only difference is the way the use them. The way they _choose_ to use them.

Edward swallowed. He was staring at the ground like he was afraid it would reach up and swallow him into it. I couldn't believe my mouth. Where had all that come from? I didn't even know I knew these things. Finally, after it seemed like Edward may have actually turned into a statue, he looked up at me with is beautiful features set into a mixture of determination, resignation, hope and sadness.

"You're right" he replied in his deep, make your heart skip a beat voice. "I have spent most of my life only thinking about myself. We don't give much thought to humans, to avoid confrontations we don't see many other vampires and my family all seem so happy in love. I rarely feel much need to worry about them. Then I met you and the constant urge to drink your blood only reminded more sharply than ever before how much of a monster I am. But your beauty, your courage, your kindness… I felt happy around you and you getting hurt or killed more than anything before in my life. But you're right Bella, this fear and selfishness has only led me to hurt you and everyone else close to me. I have to grow up. I have to become more than the 17 year old boy I died as. It hurts me so much, but I will try to accept that you're human and as long as you stay that way, you will die. And I'll try to remember it so that every moment we spend together is like a celebration."

He paused for a moment, concentrating deeply. "And I'm going to try to stop seeing my life and what I am as a curse. Loving you Bella, has helped me to understand, to relate better to the human thoughts I hear all the time. When that disgusting man in the street attacked you I realised that if I let him go free he could hurt another girl, someone else's Bella. Carlisle and I got him put in jail. Obviously I can't help people in anyway that would bring attention to myself but with abilities I could still help to lessen the suffering in the world. I'll try to make my life meaningful in this way Bella… if you'll stay by my side and help me?

We both looked into each others eyes and then I flew into his arms. He picked me up and spun me around with the first real smile I had seen on his face since my 18th birthday. I breathed in deeply and suddenly felt as if a great weight had been lifted off of me. I felt free and happy and joyful. I felt for the first time in a long time, that everything was going to be alright. He pressed his lips to mine and then whispered into my ear as though he were afraid that if he spoke too loudly he would wake to find it was only a daydream "I love you Bella".


End file.
